tinder is trash part 1 of 2

single mother

from jersey



fuck trump

That was my tinder profile for all of two weeks last year. A lot of guys were fake-interested, but they were mostly bullshitters. Like a much higher probability than men in real life.

It’s crazy because the app makes you feel like you’re saving time–you can weed people out 123. You don’t have to sort through live men or hurt anyone’s feelings. You don’t even have to physically leave your house. Suddenly, a bunch of good looking guys in your radius come out of nowhere. It would theoretically make it ideal for a single parent who is stuck at home most nights.

But it’s not. All the scrolling, skimming, swiping. The terrible texting, the blocking of numbers.

Nah seriously. Why do so many guys put in their profiles that you shouldn’t even go for them if you’re not a good conversationalist? Is there a certificate for that? And why are so many of these guys CEO’s of companies that don’t exist? That’s a go-to move I’ve never seen in real life–a guy pretending to own a company even though he doesn’t have a job.

I was very curious about everyone sharing their internet profiles on there. Tinder is just another profile to have. And you are who you are on the internet. So many of these guys’ pages look like business cards with their name number twitter snap IG linkedin BBM myspace soundcloud. Damn chill.

And I don’t have social media. I don’t take a lot of pictures. That’s nothing I had to really defend before trying tinder. To these guys, not having a hundred shots of me in a variety of settings on a multitude of platforms ready to go meant I was catfishing. More than one guy told me straight up they can’t trust someone with two pictures up and no social media. Sending him a pic felt like a threat at that point. I’ll only talk to you if you send me seven .jpg images NOW (I paraphrase). That attitude was weird probably because I know I’m not catfishing. Hit me up. Make a move.

One of the first guys I talked to was cool. We texted off the app right away. He went to the same high school and college as me somehow. He was older, pretty cool. I remember spending time texting him while I was outside with my son at the park one night.

But before I even brought my son inside, he admitted to losing his job and being back home at his parents. I respected his honesty and blocked his number. I don’t do broke.

Another guy I actually texted with was in Manhattan. He just moved there from London and was some kind of banker (allegedly). I was reluctant to most NYC profiles because I already know I’m not traveling out there. I mean, this is not ten years ago.

He turned out to be cute and funny. Unfortunately, he brought up his dick within like ten minutes. I get that people wanna hook up on there, but you really logging in expecting to get your dick wet that same minute? They try to check and see if you’re fuckin before making a gesture to get together. That’s… not cute.

I was like yea this is why I don’t think tinder is for me. He said ok sorry I’ll stop. So he started asking questions about myself. Two or three go by. Then he asked what’s your favorite position. Blocked.

I was pretty unimpressed. It was dumb as hell for the most part. But even knowing that, if I got bored, I’d be there swiping swiping swiping. I limited the search to like a five mile radius. Talked to a few guys. Mostly they just wanted to text all the time (that means they’re in a relationship). One was a firefighter from Elizabeth. All he wanted to do was text. He’d hit me up all the time and was cool. He was probably just bored at work, though. Eventually blocked him.

Deletion was near.

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