The second I get what I think I want, it’s easy to start feeling undeserving. Unneeded. Maybe I don’t really want to be happy. Maybe I do like being treated badly by men because it confirms the shame that I feel. Sometimes it’s an unworthyness of attention. When someone gives me attention or promises or whatever I’m like… really? Me? And all the time leading up to that I’m thinking HELLO?? You blind or??
Well now the unlikely thing has happened and there’s a guy actually trying and I’m getting my running shoes on. They’re getting strapped up as we speak. I’m planning my exit. I feel completely not there.
When we were together last, I felt completely checked out. I should have taken my ass home. I just felt wrong. I was the wrong person to be sitting next to him. I felt like the wrong person. I didn’t feel like myself. I don’t know who I am anymore.
I have a guy who likes me a lot and has liked me for years. Actually makes an effort. Sexy as hell. Etc. And yet I’m here planning how I can explain that I’m a little too damaged for this shit. You don’t even see it. That makes it even scarier to me.
And I’ve received such bad treatment. Over and over. How can I trust myself in choosing partners after that? I’ve allowed so much to go on. I never end it on time. I wait for it to be torn to shreds. Each wheel needs to come off before you see me running out of that burning vehicle.
It would be dumb to let this go. Sometimes this is when I get up and go. I have too many issues, the worst is that I’m generally insecure. It’s not even the comparison type (not since high school). It’s about me being not sufficient alone. That’s how bad and dumb it is.
I trust his feelings for me. That’s what makes me nervous. Like damn you’re really in this… It makes me feel like a fake. This is the extended version of imposture syndrome. When people act like I’m what they want, no games, it’s like my man you really don’t know me…