I’m reading this book about anger called The Dance of Anger, but I feel like today it made me angrier. Or was I angry already? Yea I think I was already making myself angry on the wake up, then I started reading about it and it got worse. It finally reached it’s peak after I subconsciously forgot an item I was rushing to exchange. Did one errand then got all the way to the mall to do the last thing. Parked, was about to get out, and didn’t have the bag smh. I blasted Juelz Santana’s “Who Am I” on the way back.

What exactly was making me so mad? Well I know I was reading in a chapter in the book about a woman having issues getting along with her mother and kept having flashbacks to this guy I was dealing with who I still feel murderous rage over. Our whole thing was just toxic and now it’s been long enough for me to have lost hope but not long enough so that I don’t care any more. I’m still mad. Mad at him. Mad at myself. Mad at previous traumatizers who contributed to my trauma bonding availability. Mad at how many times I did and redid that stupid ass routine with him. I guess one could say it was a dance lol.

And those thoughts didn’t come solely because of the mother-daughter topic. That’s just the mindset I had woke up in. That anger could cloud my conscious mind at any given moment it seems. It’s an annoying intellectual process I go through of like no I don’t want him back anymore. I know he doesn’t have it–what I need–but secretly wish he did. I want a different version of him to make things right. Or maybe I wish it were still so simple as me wanting to jump into nothing with him again, knowing what would happen because it was always the same exact thing. Somehow some fake-good feelings seemed better than the none I might fake-have without him.

Now it’s the opposite. The sadness and badness is only sometimes. I always find other things to do with myself rather than hoping for that situation which is what it is to magically become what I wanted it to be. Life has gone on, as it does. But I’m still just stuck wondering that if that’s so true then why am I still actively angry? Why does it live so fervently inside of me? And then on days like today, I wake up in the thick of ovulation week and what I want more than anything else in this world is to be impregnated by someone I love lol. Okay? That’s how intense shit is. And here I am, I guess angry that I’m back to square one.

-Rachel Wagner 2020

Other pieces I’ve written on this topic: Back Like I Never Left: Dating as a Single Mother & “Carrie’s Blood” & “Getting over someone is easy, all you gotta do is…”