Self-soothing is 4 suckers lol

lol sad

Honestly I’m sick of thinking of more things to do to distract me from being sad. Trying to replace that default setting with a redirected return to your own life sometimes hurts too. You really have to consciously choose jogging over texting. Smoking instead of calling. Reading and going to sleep instead of thinking. It sucks. Plus all those kinds of activities are soon over and then you’re back to being sad, not that it’s unfamiliar. I mean, it was always at the core of the cycle. Good sometimes, mostly bad, generally sad.

But the only other option is to hit them up and go through the same thing all over again. Maybe in shorter spirts as time goes on. Just long enough to see that you could have it. The connection still exists. Opportunity awaits for you to return within the same parameters. As if it has to be the same type of toxic as it was before, no promises even of anything better, it’s no change from within, no nothing, a standard invitation to agree to settle back in. But familiar loops of destruction do eventually get boring.

-Rachel Wagner 2020

Other pieces I wrote on this topic: “Ya girl got anger issues” & “Pregnant in Grad School” & “Not Your Babymother”

One random hour without my kid

When that car door closed with my kid inside and I walked away, I was so relieved to be alone that I almost didn’t want to hit up this guy who had been trying hard to see me. And he’s nice. Still when I got inside I was like yea I could just chill this […]

Forgetting your book

My friend has a back porch that’s good for reading. It was built onto the house by her friend. The structure houses a table and chairs nonetheless. Sitting back, you face the long rectangular backyard. We sat there and talked and I also sat there whenever I was alone. In the morning with her sleeping […]

Another day 11/10

my chemical romance is really out here changing lives lol i’ve had a few students write about them over the years honestly weed was already legal to the extent that i use it lol and student loan 4giveness–ya’ll wasn’t getting that shit back anyway lol again… people are gonna do what they’re gonna do no […]


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