Every time I read a book I’m like, wow I really needed this, as if I’m not the one curating my reading list lol. Nah, but I do pick books based solely on what I feel like (the vibe is clear within the first few pages), and I always manage to find something relevant to my current life events. Certain words can make you feel so seen so heard, like you’ve been here before.

I felt like that these past couple days in a real way rereading The Adult Child of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. It’s about finding comfort in familiarity, working too hard in relationships, and the value of emotional intimacy. How being alone doesn’t feel good because that’s not who we are as people. Humans who survived were ones who didn’t leave too far completely by themselves. It makes a lot of sense. Nice to read something that is basically about yourself and about healing on your own. Not waiting for the other person at all.

The process of getting through the book was a lil bleak tho–all the stuff about what emotional immaturity looks like. I’d be reading and wouldn’t be sure if I should be attaching this phenomenon to a dude I dealt with or to a parent. I’d read a section once thinking about one person, then read it again and see the other person (and sometimes another person). It was kinda crazy how relatable it was. How many times I’ve seen those character traits. I guess that’s part of noticing the dynamic you’re playing out with certain people in your life.

Anyway, I think reading this kind of psychology book helps because it shows you that none of it is personal. Has nothing to do with him or her or me as individuals. These relationship patterns already existed and have already been studied and written about for years. That means whatever is going on in your life can theoretically be analyzed and changed over time. But I’m an internalizer so sometimes I feel like, yea maybe I’m progressing right now, but what about them and what about the next person they meet?

-Rachel Wagner 2020

Other pieces I wrote on this topic: Ya girl got anger issues & Self-Soothing is 4 Suckers & Getting over someone is easy all you have to do is…