Thursday 12/16/2021

• Feelings *handshake* hurt
• My son will play cops and robbers but if he’s a cop he’ll join the robbers and says he’s just DRESSED UP like a cop lol.
• Can you tell he did half a master’s degree in the womb?
• Ya’ll know what orbiting is? It’s a good enough reason for me not to want to be on social media.
• Hate people trying to keep tabs on me which is why I put my stuff in books and wanted to at least charge for it damn. But here I am.
• Grading is the devil.

Friday 12/17/2021

• Gatekeeping my thoughts by not posing on IG.
• “Never No More” by Aaliyah x “Understand Me” Chief Keef
• Been so sad lately.
• That’s the only thing on my mind.
• Really what I need to do is forgive myself for letting this guy come back. But I can’t. If I don’t suffer for a while then how will I remember? But then again I suffer and don’t remember anyway. So whatever.
• That was something I remember coming up when I was just starting out in psychology in college. The idea that people will make a mistake a vow to never ever do it again. And then they still do it again. Why is that? 
• Yea why is that?
• The scorpio urge to let someone fuck up a few times before you say or do anything because you wanna be sure that they deserve your wrath.
• It’s a patience game. And that’s one thing I got. Everybody says that about me. Patient to a fault, but I definitely use that shit for evil too so it all balances out.
• Tired of having to grade instead of do my own writing. Like it’s a serious tragedy in my life. Happy I only have a couple more days of this BS. 
• When I’m grading, I wouldn’t take off for a bad conclusion, but I will give points back if it’s a cool conclusion. 
• I also like there to be a few days in between them submitting and me grading. I need some distance. 
• One of my students wrote a whole paragraph about how learning to be more analytical of writing has made him think differently when he even just watches TV. Like he starts thinking about the camera angle or how what the writer wrote vs how the actor said it. Like yea you get it. It is a deeper way of life. That is the value of a humanities education—a rich interior experience.
• Another student: English 1201, oh how I underestimated you.
• Best compliment students can give is that they weren’t bored.
• Alright I’m cutting myself off from grading. It’s a wrap.
• Driving around is the equivalent of walking around if it’s too dark/late out to actually walk. 
• Guy mumbling chocha at me in family dollar as I’m buying diapers. Yea go fly a kite.

12/18/2021

• Focused on looking good *handshake*
• Had a wild experience finishing the last 50 pages of The Idiot. Arguing with this dude and grading mad papers. Then finding out she cancels the wedding again!!! Omg.
• Gas station guys are always looking down my shirt obvious as hell.
• At a party reading bell hooks’ dissertation about Toni Morrison’s first two novels.
• This dude’s cousin was like hey whitegirl I was like hey. Then the dude I’m with was like that he said wifey not whitegirl lol.
• The difference between walking alone versus walking with two men is vast!!
• Mi trigga finga MUSCLE -vybz kartel
• Hoes frown when you pass yea they mad yea…
• If you ask me if I want a dime I’m gonna imply that you’re cheap as hell. If you just give it to me I’m not gonna say shit lol.
• Some ah dem talk too god damn much
• Bitch I been on bitch you been corn

12/19/2021

• You want to know how to get through life? Pay attention. –Cathy Park Hong p 43 
• Black mini skirts are my thing right now.

12/20/2021

• Newish maintenance guy: you are the quietest person in this building
  Me: maybe so

12/21/2021

• My bd funny as hell he called Dr Fauci Dr Phil lol.

12/22/2021

• Not evisceral enough
• It’s not that there are no men, it’s that there are no men she wants to want, or who would want her the way she wants to be wanted. –Marcelle Clements p 25

12/23/2021

• Finished this book about Ida B. Wells today. All that lynching shit is absolutely crazy. Wild as hell. Abolish the U.S.
• Aww my ex put a Ten Dollar Books sticker on his beamer he really love me lol.
• Don’t think that I’m playin boy no we don’t use hands boy no we don’t do friends boy -chief keef
• Winter break flow

12/24/2021

• Going to a party all dressed up and turns out it’s a pajama party lol.
• Haven’t drunk henny in a while.
• Not trying to hot box a damn black and mild–crack the window!

12/25/2021

• Real bitches are hungover on xmas.
• Crop tops in the winter.

12/26/2021

• Didn’t leave the house today.

12/27/2021

• Woke up this morning and finished His Only Wife before getting out of bed.
• Considered reading some MLK but moved onto Widow Basquiat because it was lovey and easy like His Only Wife.
• Feeling pensive.
• Too pensive.
• You can make me sad, but don’t make me mad. -my son, playing video games

12/28/2021

• We talked about dark, intense, hungry things. We filled each other up. She comforted me. We held hands at night and walked the streets. We loved each other. We laughed like hyenas. She understood my love for Jean. She wrote poems about it. My love for Jean made her love me more. -Suzanne Mallouk p 141
• I was really a mess. And really high on heroine. I had no shame whatsoever. I’m very embarrassed about it. I could not control myself. It was like I didn’t care how I appeared. I was always very fabulous, though. I had a lot of style and was very dramatic. -Suzanne Mallouk p 161
• If you kill me, that’s very rare. If you don’t kill me, then I’m still rare. -my son, the philosopher
• Reading about Basquiat is like wow real art exists.

12/29/2021

• This week is all about sleeping in, reading, and cleaning up.

12/30/2021

• Started drawing the other day and filled up the notebook sketchpad thing just now. No matter the medium, bitch I got sum 2 say lol. 
• I remember an ex taking a book out my hands while I was reading it. Why I aughtaaaaa!
• Anyway I need to go get some more sketchpads.
• I’m always going to have cool shoes on.
• I worry about love and sex and work and suffering and injustice and death, but I also dig drawing bugly-eyed rabbits with tragic overbites. -Matt Groening
• Baddest bitch in this target right now.
• Smoking a roach just to feel something lol.
• I always been special.
• If you not 6ft or better how ima wear platform heels around you?
• Lucky for me I don’t run into short guys much.

12/31/2021

• People always say lil shit to me so yea I make dudes speak up if they really wanna talk.
• The sweetest bitch you’ve ever met.
• Reducing that guy’s sentence from 100 years to 10 years ignores how people are willing to remove a person from society for a decade of their life to justify 4 other people’s lives. What’s that math?
• But still.
• Reading this book called Long Division. I tend to not look up the plot before I read a book, but I knew that this was magical realism and maybe young adult. It’s both of those things. But the writing is fun. 
• You’re basically reading a book as it gets written.

-Rachel Wagner

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My blogs:
–  Girtalk
–  Read or Die

My books: 
– Jacob’s Hip: Poems
– FEM: New Millennium Beauty & Fashion
– Abandonment Issues: Alive in New Jersey
– Back Like I Never Left: Dating as a Single Mother

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